Avian Adversary

- Oh God!
- What?
- There!
- Where?
- B-b-behind you...
- Eh? There’s nothing there.
- Can’t you hear it? The clucking? The evil clucking?
- You mean that chicken?
- It’s coming for me...
- No it’s not...
- It is. I’m off. Bye!

And with that, the horse who has faced trains, planes and automobiles without batting an eyelid promptly fled. He was found round the corner with his tail over his back, snorting like a dragon.  I despair...

Signature Look

-What the hell is that?
- What?
- On my arse!
- Where?
- My coat! What the hell have you done to my coat?
- Oh, that! I clipped a little monogram into your bum.  It's a B.
- What for?
- B for Bailey, duh!
- No, what did you do that for?
- For fun.
- Can I give you a monogram? You know, for fun?
- Don't be silly, you can't clip.
- No, but if you're in range, I could leave you with a U-shaped mark on your arse.  Two, if my aim is good.
- But my name doesn't start with U.
- Yes it does, Useless Underling.  Now bring me another haynet to take my mind off this sartorial horror.

Every cloud

-What? Straight out to the field?

-Yep.

-No fly sheet?

-Nope.

-No fly mask?

-Nope.

-No suncream on my nose?

-Nope.

-None of that whiffy oil stuff rubbed on my belly?

-Nope.

-...or around my... you know...?

-Nope.

-Please?

-NO!

-But...

-Bailey, it's raining.  It's been raining so much, not even the birds are flying. There won't be any midges to bother you today.

-But why won't you rub the oil stuff into my-

-Because for once, I can start the day without having to wrestle half a ton of horse into a glorified net curtain and then grease up his genitalia.

If you've got a pink-skinned sweet-itcher, a wet week in August is a chance to smell of something other than suncream and neem oil! 

Snack attack

"Wait a minute, it sounds like she's about to take a picture...
Which means she's not really concentrating up there...
And she'll only have one hand on the reins...
So I'll probably get away with...

...Yep! Shoving my head down for a mouthful of grass!"

*Om nom nom nom nom nom*

He knows every trick in the book and cares not if he gets a smacked bum for his efforts.  I'm just grateful he can eat on the move so we do at least still clock up the miles.

Skiing

-I thought you did really well to keep up this morning, Two-legs.  You managed a fabulous medium trot.  Keep that up and I might be able to take you out showing before too long!
-Bailey, when showing, it's the human's job to show off the horse, not the other way around.  It is not an excuse for you to see how fast your human can run.
-Rubbish! You only get ribbons if your human can keep up. Plus, 'face of a lady and the *rse of a cook', remember? I have a manly cobby head and trim bottom so that couldn't possibly refer to me. You, on the other hand... well... with a bit of slap on...
-One more word and I'll pay Nic to lunge you every day for a month.
-...

Someone saw that the gate was open.
Someone thought that he might out-trot his human.
Someone was sadly disappointed.

Someone else was left breathing out of her backside and quietly fuming, but we won't dwell on that...

Turbo Cob

-I've decided I want a career-change.
-Is that so?
-It's been great, Two-Legs, but hacking is just not my calling.  I want to be a racehorse.
-What's brought this on?
-You mean apart from the prospect of a lighter jockey? This morning. I was a ginger blur of pure, fast-moving muscle.
-Rude!  And I think you'll find that ginger blur was actually Arthur belting along next to you. Bailey, you only get a shift on if you have something to chase. If a horse tries to overtake you, you slow down, step aside and let them past.
-I'm just being polite.
-That's not going to win many races though, is it?
-Talk to the tail. If Jonjo calls, I'm in the end stable.


We had a great hack with buddies from our previous yard this morning, and found the perfect spot for a good blast. I guess if anyone *is* interested in a er... 'racehorse' destined always to come second, let me know...!

Move over, Greg Wallace!

-I'm getting straw... a sweet hint of molasses... rich, earthy overtones of brewer's yeast... and is that...?

-...Yes! Yes, I think it is! A soupçon of joint supplement!  But you know what would really lift this bucket and make it truly gourmet?

-A parsnip the size of my head!


Honestly, it's two handfuls of chaff and a couple of supplements. I think he's been watching Masterchef in the evenings when I'm not there.

Don Scary-pony

-Any particular reason for this morning's 'evasive manoeuvre'?
-Are you kidding me?  You were about to get us both killed, I saved your skin with that spin!
-From what?  That 10hh pompom on hooves?
-FFS woman! Shut up! You can't say things like that!
-Like what?
-Christ, I'm going to have to go into hiding ...
-Why?
-There's already one on the yard, they'll be coming for me...
-Who's 'they'?
-SHETLAND MAFIA!

Ear Fluff

-Are you going to let me finish clipping your head tonight?
-...
-Your face is a disgrace!
-...
-You look like you were clipped with a vegetable peeler!
-...
-And you've got one fluffy ear!
-...
-BAILEY! Are you listening to me?!
-Sorry? Did you say something? By the way, thanks for not clipping both ears last night. The fluff muffles your noise: it's such hard work ignoring you without it!
-Charming.

The ears are coming off, even if I have to shin up his neck and sit on his head to get to them.

Clothes shopping

- Is that it? Can we just buy that saddle? Honestly, it was fine.
- Yes, I bought the saddle.
- So no more being prodded and shoved and tutted at?
- Nope.
- And you won't make me do the cantery-cantery around the school again?
-Nope.
-Phew! So I can go back to chilling in the field?
-'Fraid not. That saddle was expensive. I'll be making the most of it, so get a good night's sleep: your hacking schedule just expanded!
-WHAAAATT?! Wait, how much cantery-cantery do you do when you go clothes shopping?
-I can't afford new clothes, B. I have you!
-Oh... You can still afford carrots though, right?

*sigh*

First published on Facebook, 7 March 2017

Gallopy-gallopy

-Yesterday was fun, when can we do it again?
-Well, I was thinking tomorrow...
-Yay! Gallopy-gallopy-gallopy!
-No. A sedate pootle through the village. 
-No gallopy?
-Not yet. You're supposed to be coming back into work gently.
-What about that gate? I could totally have cleared that gate.
-Definitely not!
-But we will be doing more gallopy-gallopy eventually?
-Yes.
-And gates...?
-Yes. But through, not over.
-Spoilsport!

Note to self: find that neckstrap.

First published on Facebook, 25 February 2017