Don Scary-pony

-Any particular reason for this morning's 'evasive manoeuvre'?
-Are you kidding me?  You were about to get us both killed, I saved your skin with that spin!
-From what?  That 10hh pompom on hooves?
-FFS woman! Shut up! You can't say things like that!
-Like what?
-Christ, I'm going to have to go into hiding ...
-Why?
-There's already one on the yard, they'll be coming for me...
-Who's 'they'?
-SHETLAND MAFIA!

Ear Fluff

-Are you going to let me finish clipping your head tonight?
-...
-Your face is a disgrace!
-...
-You look like you were clipped with a vegetable peeler!
-...
-And you've got one fluffy ear!
-...
-BAILEY! Are you listening to me?!
-Sorry? Did you say something? By the way, thanks for not clipping both ears last night. The fluff muffles your noise: it's such hard work ignoring you without it!
-Charming.

The ears are coming off, even if I have to shin up his neck and sit on his head to get to them.

Clothes shopping

- Is that it? Can we just buy that saddle? Honestly, it was fine.
- Yes, I bought the saddle.
- So no more being prodded and shoved and tutted at?
- Nope.
- And you won't make me do the cantery-cantery around the school again?
-Nope.
-Phew! So I can go back to chilling in the field?
-'Fraid not. That saddle was expensive. I'll be making the most of it, so get a good night's sleep: your hacking schedule just expanded!
-WHAAAATT?! Wait, how much cantery-cantery do you do when you go clothes shopping?
-I can't afford new clothes, B. I have you!
-Oh... You can still afford carrots though, right?

*sigh*

First published on Facebook, 7 March 2017

Gallopy-gallopy

-Yesterday was fun, when can we do it again?
-Well, I was thinking tomorrow...
-Yay! Gallopy-gallopy-gallopy!
-No. A sedate pootle through the village. 
-No gallopy?
-Not yet. You're supposed to be coming back into work gently.
-What about that gate? I could totally have cleared that gate.
-Definitely not!
-But we will be doing more gallopy-gallopy eventually?
-Yes.
-And gates...?
-Yes. But through, not over.
-Spoilsport!

Note to self: find that neckstrap.

First published on Facebook, 25 February 2017

Parsnip fingers

-Aaarrrrgh! That was my finger, you rude lump!
-Well sor-ry! I thought it was a parsnip.
-I am not a parsnip!
-Same colour as a parsnip.
-But not a parsnip...
-Same size as those skinny bits of parsnip I keep finding in my bucket
-But not a parsnip...
-Maybe if you bought bigger parsnips, I would be able to tell the difference!
-...
-Haha, Parsnip Fingers! Parsnip Fingers! *snigger*
-Not funny.

Note to self: buy bigger parsnips.

First published on Facebook, 30 January 2017

Brr!

- Are you okay, Two Legs?
- Yes, why do you ask?
- You're a funny colour. Kind of blue-ish, and your hands aren't working.
- I'm just a bit cold, but thanks for asking. 
- Go put a thicker rug on! Now!
- Aw, B, it's so sweet that you care, but I'll warm up in a bit.
- Of course I care! How are you going to fill my haynets if you lose your hands to frostbite?

*note to self: find some decent yard gloves*

First published on Facebook, 8 November 2016

Pucker up!

"Snogs? No? Stop making my breakfast so sloppy then!"

First published on Facebook, 5 October 2016

Endurance

- So Art, how exactly did you wangle such a generous feed bucket?
- Endurance, mate. Convince her you want to do endurance rides. You'll get a bucket you can bury a Shetland in. 
- Endurance, eh? Hm. I wonder how much Two-Legs can 'endure'...

First published on Facebook, 2 October 2016

Swede

- Right B, a quick session in the school and there's a swede for you if you're a good boy.
- A Swede? You mean you've gotten me a tall, blonde, attractive new sharer to compliment my handsome good looks?
- Er, not quite. Think more squat and round and in your feed bucket.
- But you won't fit in my feed bucket, Ooman...
- Cheeky bugger!

He was a very good boy and earned his swede.

First published on Facebook, 27 August 2016

Naked

- Umm, have you forgotten something? I'm naked...
- Yes, you are.
- It's raining.
- Yes, it is.
- I'll get wet. 
- Yes, you will.
- What if I roll? I'll get dirt on me. Actual dirt on my actual self! *shudder*
- I expect so.
- Don't you love me?
- I love you enough to brush off the dirt.
- Promise?
- Promise.

First published on Facebook, 19 August 2016

The future's bright, the future's...

-Hey, Two-legs, what's the name of that orange thing I ate while we were out this morning?
-An orange.
-Yeah, the orange thing, what's it called?
-An orange.
-No, what's its name? Carrots are orange and this was definitely not a carrot.
-It's called AN ORANGE!
-Wait! I ate a colour? I can eat colours? OMG! This is news! I'm off to try eating some new colours!

*sigh* He's in for a nasty surprise if he decides to try eat brown...

First published on Facebook, 25 March 2016

Haka

-I can't believe you went on a hack without me!
-Eh?
-At the rugby! 
-Ah, you mean the haka? The bit with all the chanting, stamping, jumping and face-pulling?
-Yes, that. I want to do a haka!
-No.
-I can jump...
-No.
-And pull faces...
-No.
-And stamp...
-No.
-And you can be quite shouty sometimes...
-We are not doing a haka.
-Oh yes we are. Next time we're out, we're gonna haka!
-Oh dear god...
-Ka mate! Ka mate!...

First published on Facebook, 20 September 2015

*squish*

-ARGH! Bailey, move!
-*munchmunchmunch*
-Move over!
-*munchmunchmunch*
-Get on! Over! Move!
-*munchmunchmunch*
-GERROFF MI FOOT YOU BLOODY GREAT BRUTE!
-Wah? Human? What are you doing there? Has no one ever told you not to stand behind a horse and make sudden loud noises? I could have spooked and kicked out, squashed you or even trodden on you! Imagine the damage could do to your flimsy little foot if I trod on it!
-*whimper*

First published on Facebook, 14 July 2015

Belly ache

-Hey, human, did you notice I had two wardrobe malfunctions yesterday?
-Hm? Wah?
-Yeah, my muzzle came off and then my rain sheet shrank until it was skin tight.
-I don't think... *yawn*...the rain sheet... *yawn*...shrank, I think it was you who...
-Human, are you ok? You look dreadful. Want some hay? No?! Why are you're sitting down? You never sit down. OMFG! HUMAN, I THINK YOU'VE GOT COLIC! Get up! Get up and walk around! Here, I'll slap your belly until you fart, trust me, you'll feel amazing...

First published on Facebook, 1 June 2015


*This post needs a bit of back-story. This photo was taken at about 6am, the morning after Bailey had had a mild bout of colic.  He was found in the field minus a grazing muzzle and very, very bloated.  It was kept at bay with a mixture of walking (traditional cure) and belly rubbing/slapping (non-traditional), which always makes B fart.  A friend happened to video the belly-slapping which generated a lot of interest on Facebook, none of it professional.

Wardrobe fail

-Hey, Bailey, your bum's hanging out!
-I know. Where have you been? I've been waiting ages for you to come and fix it.
-How did it happen?
-Let's just say there are some unfortunate side-effects to a high-fibre diet.
-Oh.

First published on Facebook, 20 May 2015

Cuddles

-Ow!
-Ooman, are you ok?
-Yes, fine. It's just that you can't groom me as hard as you would another horse. 
-Really? Why not?
-Well, for a start, I'm not a horse...
-But it's so nice when you scratch my withers, I was being polite and returning the favour.
-I know, but I'm not a horse so I don't have withers. And if I did, they wouldn't be under my armpit.
-NO WITHERS?! You need to see a vet for that, pronto! What kind of horse has no withers?
-The human kind of horse, Bailey...

First published on Facebook, 15 May 2015

Haircut

-That was a short summer!
-Eh?
-Summer. It was really short this year. I'm already clipped out for the winter and it's cold outside.
-Ah, no, it's still spring, B. You're staying clipped out to try keep you more comfy in the heat.
-So there'll still be summer?
-Yes.
-I'm staying fully clipped?
-Yes.
-So no wind resistance from my feathers?
-Er, I guess not.
-OMG! Human! Hurry up and sort out your crap seat - we're gonna go SOOOOO FAST!
-*GULP!*

First published on Facebook, 2 May 2015

Prey

-New field today, B. Try not to go nuts when you see the long grass.
-OMG! Really? You're gonna take this rug off me first though, right?
-Don't I always?
-Lions hide in long grass. Lions eat zebra.
-In Africa, Bailey. Africa. This is Mursley, not Mozambique.
-You can't be too careful, Human.

First published on Facebook, 25 April 2015

Diet

-Mmmph!
-It's to stop you getting fat.
-Mm-mmmm-mmph!
-Of course you can still eat, just take dainty little nibbles.
-Mmph?
-Well maybe today you'll come in like a well-behaved horse, instead of a petulant toddler on crack, like yesterday.
-HMPH!

First published on Facebook, 22 March 2015

Carrots

-I spoke to the dog at the weekend...
-Oh right?
-He said you gave him a carrot.
-Yep, Erik likes carrots too.
-I've noticed a lack of carrots in my feed bucket lately...
-Sorry B, I keep forgetting to bring your carrots up to the yard.
-Did the dog get one of my carrots?
-No. Your carrots are totally separate special horse-only carrots. Erik had one of my carrots.
-Promise?
-Promise *ahem*

First published on Facebook 4 March 2015

Snow

-Ooh! Snow! Are you gonna come play in the snow, human?
-Sorry B, I have to work.
-But we could make snow angels!
-Horses don't make good snow angels.
-Why?
-Your legs need to stick out from the sides, like my arms do so that you can make the wings.
-Bet I could make my legs waggle out at the sides like your arms...
-No! Don't even try!
-Why not? Am Super-Fit-Bendy-Acrobat-Cob!
-You're none of those things.
-... *sniff* ...
-OK, well yes, you are a cob. And I think you're super.

First published on Facebook, 3 February 2015

Doin' Finking

-My head hurts.
-Really? Where?
-Between my ears.
-Hm, I can't see anything, did you hit it on something?
-No, on the inside, between my ears, it feels all... weary.
-Oh, you're just tired. You had to do lots of thinking today, but you did very well!
-I don't think I like thinking. It's hard work. And now I'm thinking about thinking which is really hard... But now I'm thinking that thinking about thinking is even harder... Where does it end, Two-legs? Where?
-It's okay, have your dinner, have a little sleep and er, try not to think about it.
-Are you trying to be funny?

When your horse has a crisis of cognition... 

First published on Facebook, 2 April 2017

*Boing*

-So how come you let me jump loose? I thought we did everything together?
-Well, we had no saddle and your wither is pretty uncomfortable. Plus, I'm not a big fan of jumping. 
-But it's such fun! 
-Mmm, I noticed you enjoyed it. We might pop a cross pole together if you can do so without bouncing about like a rubber ball afterwards...
-Don't worry Two-Legs, I'll look after you. I always look after you. I haven't dropped you yet!
-Err...
-Well yes, there was that time I had to save us both by jumping the Giant, Shark-Infested Puddle of Death right next to the Hedge of Entanglement in order to escape the Unknown Scary Thing. But seriously, chill. I've got this. I'm your Trusty Ginger Jumping Dude.

He was eyeing up the poles while we were schooling so I let him pop a cross pole after as a reward. Now he thinks he's the next bloody Milton

First published on Facebook, 11 April 2017